What NOT to do When Your Toddler Refuses to Move

by Valorie Delp | More from this Blogger

11 Aug 2007 10:00 AM

Have you ever been in public and your sweet angelic child ends up throwing the temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums? She screams, she yells, and she refuses to get up? My twins have an advantage because I can really only pick up one at a time--and they know it. But I saw something curious yesterday--I've actually seen parents do this before--but for some reason it struck me as especially illogical yesterday.

Amazingly, my twins were well behaved yesterday on our outing. But some other mother was having one hard time with her baby who I am guessing to be about 20 months or so old--ripe time for the terrible two type behavior we've been talking about. The child wanted something and the mother said 'no.' What ensued was an all out battle of wills.

The toddler, began to plop herself on the floor kicking and screaming--essentially refusing to move. After several times of telling and asking the child to come, the mother said, "Fine--I'm leaving with or without you," and proceeded to walk away.

A Bad Technique

I have, as I'm sure you have seen, countless mothers try to employ this technique to get their unwilling toddler to move when the toddler doesn't want to. Sometimes it results in the toddler coming as wished and other times it results in a power struggle but in either situation--whether the toddler comes or not--the parent has lost the battle.

Why is threatening to leave your child so ineffective? Because you don't mean it. You are not going to leave your child literally there to wail. Since you don't mean it, you are forced with no choice but to eventually give in and get the child to come in some other way. As far as the power struggle goes, your toddler has learned that you'll give in and that when you threaten to leave her behind--you're bluffing. It is a powerful lesson.

Sometimes the child comes for fear that mom or dad will actually leave. In theory, you've won right? You got your child to come. But in reality do you want your child thinking that you'll leave her for something as arbitrary as a disagreement over a toy? I hope not.

A Better Srategy

So what do you do when you find yourself in this predicament? First of all, don't give in. Whatever the issue is over, if you said 'no' stick with it. Secondly, I don't think it matters what you do as much as whether or not you mean it.

We have told badly behaved toddlers that we will leave (if we're willing to leave) and we have also told badly behaved toddlers that they must sit in the stroller if they do not come. (In fact this is our current 'punishment' of choice while out in public. It doesn't really matter as long as the consequences are something you follow through on. My girls understand that if they want to walk, they must stay with us. . .if not, it's in the stroller they go.

I think it's also worth mentioning that we've all been there. I don't know anyone whose children have not been badly behaved in public at least once. We all have bad days and so do our kids. Being prepared for the possibility with snacks, drinks and well rested children never hurts!

Related Articles:

Tantrums, Screaming and Crying! Oh My!

The Terrible Two's Times Two

Tips for Dealing with Temper Tantrums

Learn more about Valorie Delp

Hello everybody! My name is Valorie and I am one busy lady! When I'm not writing or editing for families, I am busy trying to get my brood of 5 in line.

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Pam Connell (2658) 11 Aug 2007 02:46 PM

I'm struggling with this now because I can't lift my preschooler due to a neck/shoulder injury. I have sat and waited (and she's gone on for 30-60 minutes on a few occasions!) but it's hard when you have older children who have to be somewhere. Two days ago I actually resorted to holding her on my lap while I scooted down the stairs on my rear. The things moms do! LOL

Valorie Delp (49340) 11 Aug 2007 02:51 PM

Oh Pam, I've sooooo been there. What am I saying? I AM there! LOL No injuries but I am not strong enough to wrestly with two 25 pound 2 year olds. And like you it always happens when the older kids have to be somewhere. Of course. So we've also gotten real creative. At leat for us, part of the issue I think it that they are bored going where we're going so I try to be creative in bringing stuff for them to do. It works more than half the time. But then there's that other part of the time--when NOTHING I do works and people stare at me as I drag them down the sidewalk. BUT--I do make sure I don't threaten what I won't follow up on. Sometimes as parents it's easier to know what NOT to do than it is to know exactly what to do.

QueenAngie Central Illinois, USA (59956) 18 Aug 2007 07:48 AM

Moms do have an extra trick up their sleeves!

So glad you have brought this topic to light, Valorie. I have seen this with other families at the mall and the adult does not know how to best handle the 2 yo. "I'm going to leave you," is just not the better parenting choice as you have kindly shared.

I have had 2 boys go through the terrible twos. DS#1 was easy. DS#2 was the challenging one and tips like this one from my own mom and sisters helped us get through those events.

Thank you, Valorie!