How Twins Form Their Own Identity

by Valorie Delp | More from this Blogger

23 Feb 2007 08:02 AM

If you're looking for a scientific explanation for how twins form their own identities, I don't have one for you. This is only my own thoughts as my twins grow up and become more and more distinctive every day. This blog was prompted by the comment of a very sweet but elderly lady who noted that the girls were dressed too much alike. "Sure they look cute. But they'll never form their own identities that way," she admonished.

Their Own Identity

I used to assert with authority that I wanted my twins to form their own identities. It sounds good. Indeed, many parents of twins feel so strongly about this 'individual identity' thing that they go to great lengths to make sure this happens. I know one mom who will not sign her kids up for any of the same classes at the Y so that they get treated like individuals apart from each other. If they're interested in the same thing, she says she'll take the other girl somewhere else.

If you press any of these parents on why they decide this, they'll say, "Well, you know--it's good for their identities." I'm not brave enough to challenge this sage wisdom but I can't figure it out to be honest. What exactly does that mean?

"The Twins"

It is true that everywhere my girls go it's Lizzy, Alex, Meghan and 'the twins'. They do know their own names and if asked they'll point appropriately. Unless of course they want to blame the other for some nefarious deed.

But that's what they are. They are twins. That is not their only identifying factor of course. However, the label 'twins' aptly describes both girls. They are different because they are twins too in addition to all the other things that they are. They relate to each other differently than they relate to the other kids in the house. While the other kids in the house definitely relate to them as a group. . .they don't do it to the exclusion of each girl. The girls wouldn't allow that.

As they've grown we've done very little to encourage this individual identity thing. Not on purpose. . .I've simply been too overwhelmed to give it too much thought. You know what? Somehow, they seem to be individual little people with unique personalities, mannerisms and idiosyncracies! Imagine that! I wonder how that happened?

So the question is. . .

I'm not exactly sure how one can say that it is great that they are twins and then say that they must forge their own identities. Isn't each girl's identity wrapped up in the fact that she's a twin? It's a very unique bond and to be honest. . .if they decide that for the rest of their lives they want to dress exactly alike well then so be it. If they decide they want to pursue the same career then so be it. They will always have things that make then unique as individuals. . .as well as the fact that they are twins.

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Twins: To Dress Alike or Not

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Traffic Jam: Taking the Twins Out

If I Had Known: What I Would've Asked For Before the Twins Arrived!

Learn more about Valorie Delp

Hello everybody! My name is Valorie and I am one busy lady! When I'm not writing or editing for families, I am busy trying to get my brood of 5 in line.

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Lyn Newton (3966) 25 Feb 2007 06:01 AM

My sister has twin girls. When they were small (they are 7 now) we all bought matching clothes. Now they ask for different things and they have different interests. They still play together and are the best of friends. However, I think they created their own identity without any help. I don't see any reason for parents to take over by separarting them in activities. Would you separate brothers and sisters that are not twins?

Valorie Delp (49340) 25 Feb 2007 06:06 AM

Not just for the sake of separating them. Just like my older kids we will do the same for our twins when it comes to activities. They can pick.

burfield1mom (395) 25 Feb 2007 11:43 AM

Valorie, I am so glad that you have written this article. My sister is a single mother with twin daughters who are now 14. Even when they were first born people tried to make this distinction of how they needed to be different. Because my sister is a single parent and her ex lives out of state I have very active in their lives because my sister has to work. I know that when the girls were little they loved to dress alike and do the same things. They are very close in every way possible even now as they get older. A few moths back the flu hit all of us very hard and in order to get everyone well we shuffled kids back and forth to moms, sis, and my house. The ones who had not gotten sick yet stayed at my sisters, the ones who were sick stayed at my house, and once they got over it they went to moms. There were about 3 days when the girls were separated from one another and it drove them crazy. People need to realize that most twins' grow up being best friends, and sometimes see themselves in one another. I have experienced that as they have gotten older that they do not want that label. They want to be called by their own names. I have in-fact had to sit down with the athletic director at their school and request that he stop calling the two of them the "twins". While it is a novelty to many, there are those of us that realize they have their own names. They both have their own personalities and relationships with different people. When they feel its time if they ever do it is their choice to lead separate lives, have different styles, and different friends. It should be looked at no different than if you had and older sister and you wanted to dress like her. Look at how many families are out there that have several children that they buy the same clothes for their kids of different ages and people say how cute.