Don't Be a Breast Milk Bully

Libby Pelham (12876) 21 Jun 2006 10:00 AM

I actually had a nurse at the hosptial yell at me that I was taking the easy way out by giving my son a bottle of formula (provided by the hospital!) on our third day there. Every nurse on that floor had tried to help me breast feed and my son just wasn't having it. When the nurse told me that, I cried. My husband, my best friend and I were all bottle fed. Yes, breast milk is wonderful, but is berating the mother worth it? Definitely not in my opinion.

Valorie Delp (49340) 21 Jun 2006 10:13 AM

I am definitely not a bully and I respect anyone who takes care of their infant! Mothering is hard work. BUT I do think that there needs to be more education regarding the superiority of breastmilk over formula. I am a big fan of formula--it saves lives. But I think that more women who want to breastfeed would be more successful at breastfeeding if they had the support they needed.

mcmama (51978) 21 Jun 2006 10:40 AM

I agree with Valerie. It is far too easy to opt out of breastfeeding. There are some good reasons to not breastfeed, health of either mother or child among them, or a necessity for mom to be away for several days at a time. I personally know of one person who was recovering from a serious illness when she gave birth - the medications, the fatigue, and the depression really meant for her that the effort required to learn breastfeeding would have been counterproductive. She needed intensive medical care, and her mom took care of the baby - total attachment, but with the bottle. The baby got what she needed, and the mom got what she needed. Even if the medications were on the "ok list" this would not have been good for either. But this is pretty extreme.

All too often, moms "try" to breastfeed and are set up to fail by hospitals, ignorant medical staff, and family members. Daycare staff also plays a part in this. It is very possible to work and breastfeed, but since the cultural "norm" is to bottlefeed, the expectation of failure or practices leading to failure are also the "norm".

Breastfeeding is not instinctive. It is learned. Research has shown this. It is very difficult to have success breastfeeding when the people who are supposed to be educating and supporting new moms are ignorant themselves. It also takes work, particularly in the first month or two. You have to commit to it, and it is not the state of bliss initally that the marketing geniuses want you to buy into.

With work situations, and with daycare staff, communication is the key. The primary thing is to be responsive to the baby, and to your body. Sometimes that flexibility is hard to learn, especially in a country that treats childbirth as nothing more than minor surgery and grudgingly doles out six week maternity leaves.

Bullying is not desireable, but sometimes for medical professionals it is necessary. After my first child was born by a c section, if I had not been "bullied" into getting out of bed, I think I would have felt worse in the long run. The important thing to do with breastfeeding is to provide proper support - and recognize that as a culture we are still pathetically hostile towards it - leading women like me who STRUGGLED TO BE ALLOWED to breastfeed 15 years ago to be a bit overboard in our encouragement. I think women still face that struggle, and it is dismissed as not necessary, since we advocates are just bullies. Part of the backlash against the female. Just my radical 2 cents.

Pattie Hughes (7652) 21 Jun 2006 11:20 AM

I agree with Janet. Mothers need support and encouragement to breastfeed. Too many nurses have no knowledge on this subject and sabotage new mothers. The literature that says breastmilk is better for the baby is correct. Formula is an acceptable substitute, but it really isn't equivalent to the milk we make naturally. Throughout human history, women have breastfed their babies. Then, formula companies began to promote their product heavily and the rates of breastfeeding declined dramatically. When I was a baby, barely any were breastfed. The problem with the current generation, is that they don't have the wisdom of the elder women in society, as the women who came before us (and before the formula companies) did. Prior to the widespread use of formula, women grew up around breastfeeding mothers and knew a lot more about it. When the girl grew up and had a baby, the whole village of women were experienced and helped her get off to a good start. We lack that sense of community and connectivity now. Women who want to breastfeed are often alone, with no breastfeeding family members to offer support. The advertising by the formula companies has been very successful and has brainwashed many women away from breastfeeding their infants. Advocates, the World Health Organization and other organizations are attempting to turn that around. I've never experienced breastfeeding "bullying", but have had nurses and other mothers attempt to sabotage breastfeeding by pushing formula on me.

Libby Pelham (12876) 21 Jun 2006 11:37 AM

It definitely would have helped if the hospital had told me that babies don't often eat for the first day or so after birth. I was a first time mom with NO baby experience, so I knew nothing except what I had read.

After a day, I was thinking my baby was starving (okay, probably hormones at work) and just wanted to get something into him. And they were supposed to have a lactation specialist or whatever come by and see me, but she never showed up. So you know, I did the best I could :-(

Catherine Ipcizade (5617) 21 Jun 2006 11:45 AM

We ALL do the best we can. Formula is not going to cause harm to your baby. I'm very frustrated when people push one form of feeding or the other as the "only" way. Mothers have enough pressure as it is without other mothers making them feel guilty. Do what's best for you, your home, your family, your baby. If you do that, then you're making the "right" choice.

Heather Long (16954) 21 Jun 2006 01:13 PM

Yes, we do all do the best we can. I want to thank everyone who's responded here today -- you've all made valuable contributions in knowledge and experience. I've had negative and I've had positve. I wanted very much to breast feed, but my daughter wouldn't latch and we ended up going for the breast pump and splitting the difference. But to be made to feel as though you are incompetent is not cool. And that to me is what a bully does whether they are pushing formula or breast milk or some other product.

Catherine Ipcizade (5617) 21 Jun 2006 06:07 PM

It was a great article, Heather. Way to go!!!

WordsAplenty (4029) 21 Jun 2006 08:03 PM

I am with Pattie and Janet. Society, in general, sabotages breastfeeding moms. From the sugar water bottle that the hospital gives and the pacifier they cram in the baby's mouth to the formula they send home, there is always a message that you should bottlefeed. And families are often worse! With my first daughter, I became painfully engorged. Instead of trying to help me remedy the situation, family (not hubby) and friends all pointed to the engorgement as proof that I shouldn't breastfeed. When the baby developed jaundice, same thing. Every obstacle I hit, someone was throwing a bottle at me. And then, as soon as the baby hit 3 months old, I had people telling me that it was time to switch to the bottle-- breastfeeding past a couple of months was gross. When I decided to breastfeed beyond 1 year, you would have thought I was molesting my daughter! If it weren't for my husband's support of nursing, I probaby would've given in/given up in the first weeks. Our generation just doesn't have the support and guidance that we need. We were raised on formula and many of our moms feel it's the only way. Mine honestly tried to convince we that bottle was best! When I pointed out that God gave us breastmilk, guess what she said? "Well, that's only because they didn't have formula back then!"

WordsAplenty (4029) 21 Jun 2006 08:04 PM

Oh, and Valerie... I agree with you, too! ;)

mom2ejhl (10) 05 Apr 2008 06:10 PM

I can only conclude that when only 7.9% of babies are exclusively breastfed at 6 months these â€Å"breastfeeding bullies” that seem to be everywhere guilting the other 92.1% of mothers that aren’t breastfeeding exclusively (as per AAP’s recommendation) must be doing a really bad job. I am so tired hearing about how information about the risks of not breastfeeding makes moms â€Å"feel guilty”. I guess the â€Å"back to sleep” bullies are trying to make us mom’s who put their babies to sleep on their tummies feel guilty- I mean come on my mom put me to sleep on my tummy & I turned out just fine! Or what about the car seat bullies? My mom really wanted to use one, but she couldn’t & I was happy & healthy. Really isn’t that the most important thing happy mom = happy baby. Guilt is an internal mechanism that is there to alert you when you are knowingly making a poor choice. Nobody can make you feel guilty if you know you are making the best choice for your baby.

There is a reason every medical association in the world recommends breastfeeding it is the biological norm, the standard. Breastfeeding confers no benefits. And although it is the cultural norm, formula feeding incurs risks because it is less than standard. Thousands of peer reviewed scientific research has proven the risk over & over. Pretending these risks don’t exist doesn’t make them go away. Babies don’t thrive because of formula; most are resilient & thrive despite not receiving standard nutrition in the first year of life.

In 11 years of mothering I have never encountered a â€Å"breastfeeding bully". I have become quite familiar with the formula bullies. First, there are the corporate ones who send unsolicited rebate checks to my house & fill their informational pamphlets full of myths & lies to sabotage nursing mothers creating a market for their product while making an obscene profit at the expense of the health of mothers & babies. Then there are the health care ones who sent me home with a diaper bag full of formula, don’t educate themselves on breastfeeding but are happy to solve a breastfeeding problem with a formula solution & tell me that nursing past 6 months is â€Å"really unnecessary” even when their own medical academy recommends that babies should be breastfed AT LEAST a year & for there after as long as mom & baby want. And lastly there are the individual formula bullies. These are the most insidious at times because they immediately cry foul when a myth about breastfeeding is de-bunked with information. Even the formula companies acknowledge that their product doesn’t compare with breastmilk. Instead of acknowledging the facts, these bullies pull the â€Å"Don’t make me feel guilty, don’t call me a bad mother” card. These bullies seem to feel the need to convince others that there really isn’t a difference between breastmilk & formula to validate their choice.

Maybe if the numbers where reversed & 92.1 % of mothers actually followed the AAP’s recommendations, then I might start to believe that breastfeeding bullies exist-until then they will remain another great urban legend. I really could care less what feeding choice you make. But please own the choice you make & don’t try to convince others to stick their head in the sand next you.

mom2ejhl (10) 05 Apr 2008 06:15 PM

I do not know why the formating is funky in my previous post. It looked fine in the comment box & it will not let me edit.

MaryMac (5) 06 Apr 2008 06:58 AM

Nope. I own my choices, and if I made a poor one, I've got my big girl panties on and know that other people can't make me feel anything that I don't already feel, whether it's conscious or not. Mom2ejhl, you are RIGHT ON. :-)

Sara Denomme (1063) 08 Apr 2008 07:33 AM

I try hard to be a breastfeeding advocate without being a bully at the same time, but sometimes even when I feel like I am being very diplomatic there is still one woman or another who is already on the defensive and sees my advice or even just my sharing of my experiences as bullying. Ditto to marymac regarding her "big girl panties" hehehe! It's my opinon that if a woman allows herself to be made feel inadequate about the parenting choices she's made, she has to internalize those feelings and not blame other people for making her feel that way. Just the fact that we all make different choices as parents can be offensive to someone on the other side of the spectrum in that if they aren't confident in their own parenting, they can easily take the differences as a sign that they must be doing something wrong. I am less than proud of some of the decisions I've made in the past but I continuously try to improve my skills and don't let other people make me feel bad for the mistakes I've made. I own them, they're mine and I move forward.