Ask a Baby Blogger: My Mother-In-Law and My Husband Are Against Co-Sleeping

by Valorie Delp | More from this Blogger

14 Feb 2007 10:00 AM

Question: I have read that you recommend co-sleeping. I believe it is healthier for my infant and would make it easier to breastfeed. But my husband thinks it would be awkward to have the baby in bed with us. His mother also thinks it's a bad idea. How can I change their minds?

I thought it appropriate, today being Valentine's Day, that I address this question. At the root, this is a discussion about how marriages change once we add to the family. I don't really know, but I would venture to guess that this couple hasn't been married long.

Oh Darling Mother-In-Law

Your mother-in-law doesn't get a vote. Certainly if her opinion is welcome, then by all means, hear her out. But a wise mother-in-law will mind her own business when the two of you disagree. Grandmas often struggle with their place in the family when the first grandchild comes along. However, giving her opinion where it is not invited, is not her place. You and your husband need to help her understand that. Since this isn't the marriage blog, I will say no more.

Co-sleeping In Our Marriage

Co-sleeping has worked very well for us. In fact, I am convinced that I would've seriously lost some sanity had we not co-slept with our twins. It made life a lot easier for both of us. It was the solution that allowed us to get the most sleep.

Now stop. Re-read that preceding paragraph. Do you notice how many times I talk about 'us', 'we', and 'our'? Do you notice also that I said co-sleeping was a solution that not only made my life easier but it also benefited my husband as well?

Co-sleeping has to be a family decision and I'm not sure there's anything you can do to "change" his mind. Many women feel that since dad isn't the one getting up, dad shouldn't get a vote. I feel the opposite. I feel like it is important to make these decisions together--even if it is you getting up most, even all, of the time. You as a couple came before the baby and hopefully, when that baby goes off to college, you'll still be a couple. It is your marriage that is the foundation of your family and although your relatinoship with your children is important, it is secondary to your marriage.

Should I Change His Mind?

When my husband and I feel equally strongly on a particular issue we agree to consider the other side. Sometimes I successfully change his mind. Sometimes he changes mine. Sometimes we agree to disagree. However, we always agree to reach a compromise. I would encourage your husband to consider some of the information on Askdrsears.com that explains the benefits of co-sleeping. I would encourage you to consider your husband's concerns over co-sleeping whatever they may be. Then together, find a solution that you both can live with.

I know I've written a lot about the benefits of co-sleeping and I certainly believe what I write. However, you are doing no harm to your child if you find that something else works for you (and by you I mean you and your husband.) It will do far more harm to your child for either one of you to consistently push an issue without regard to the other's feelings than it will for you to skip co-sleeping.

More Information on Co-sleeping

Other Interesting Reads:

Baby Prefers Mommy! What's a Dad to Do?

Dads That Breastfeed: A Manly Man's Perspective

Daddy and Me

Dads in the Delivery Room

Learn more about Valorie Delp

Hello everybody! My name is Valorie and I am one busy lady! When I'm not writing or editing for families, I am busy trying to get my brood of 5 in line.

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Sara Denomme (1063) 17 Feb 2007 10:43 AM

Good points! My guy wasn't too keen on the idea at first. He assumed he would elbow the baby, so we bought an arm' reach co-sleeper. Maybe it was because I have prior parenting experience that he always seems to trust my judgement. He readily agreed to a homebirth as well, for instance :) After a couple of weeks, baby completely shared the bed with us and we all get to sleep ALL night without ever leaving the bed! The co-sleeper helped to introduce the concept. My parents or parents-in-laws have never commented. They know better LOL

Pattie Hughes (7652) 18 Feb 2007 08:00 PM

I think it's important to reach a consensus with your partner, since you are raising the child together. I like the suggestion of giving him information to read on co sleeping. My husband was actually the one who brought our first into bed with us. As for the grandparents, I wouldn't tell them. When non co sleepers ask me how the baby is sleeping, I say "great!" and leave it at that. If they asked where he slept, I'd say "in his bed." His bed is our bed, so it's not a lie!

mommieofanangle (5) 26 Feb 2007 02:47 PM

i really hope this gets to you me and my husband had our 2nd baby in the bed with us she slept alot better that way and so did we. but one night she got to close to my husbands chest and suffacated and she passed away at a month old i never thought anything like that would happen to me but it does. i had my first one in the bed with us and now hes 4 i just got lucky if i had to do all over again i would stay up for months if that ment i could have her back. just a little advice that i hope you will really think about.

Valorie Delp (49340) 26 Feb 2007 03:06 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine losing a child and it must be heart breaking. WHO as well as the Academy of Breastfeeding Medicine recommend co-sleeping as a means of promote breastfeeding which is one of the reasons I recommend it. The rate of babies dying in a crib is statistically much higher than the rate of babies who may die in bed with their parents.

Regardless, I am sure that it is just horrible to lose one of your children so young.

Andrea Hermitt (5512) 26 Feb 2007 05:30 PM

I am sorry for your loss too, Mommieofanagle

Here is a suggestion, and what we did. we kept a little bassinet next to the bed until my children were able to roll over and move about (about 5 months) before we moved them to the bed. This way I there was no problem just moving them into our bed and I often slept with one arm in the bassinet so I could sense their movements. I think it might be a good compromise? What do you think Valorie?

Valorie Delp (49340) 26 Feb 2007 06:15 PM

Wow! These comments have taken on a life of their own! ;-) I think that whatever gets the family the most sleep is what they should do. We did something similar with a 3 sided crib. I do think that a hubby and wife must come to a consensus and/or compromise. It is unfair to either spouse to be at odds over something like this especially when sleepless nights are likely to cause resentment.